Having had many recent conversations with several people over 70, its hard not to think about what that age would look like for me if I got there. My baby who is almost 2 now… More
“Trois Gymnopédies”
Erik Satie (1866-1925) was a French pianist and composer that composed and played throughout the Impressionist period of music. Many of his compositions have clear stereotypical representations of …
Source: “Trois Gymnopédies”
Depths Unknown
Hit by a ton of thoughts, stressors, worries all at once. I had a breakthrough moment with the realization that I’m more like my mom than I’d realized and that is something I always feared and never wanted to be. I need another emotional route but have my genes and upbringing shifted me so? I also have so much in my shoulders that it’s overwhelming. Decisions must be made. I also can benefit from dealing with the depression/anxiety because I think that’s crippling my ability to resolve anything and make decisions. Hooray for another round 10 years later.
Sounds of Silence
Sprinklers in the foreground.
Monk’s Dream, Thelonius Monk, 1963.
Baby monitor, bright, night vision.
Washer in the distance, full load.
Husband, on and on about options for shading the patio doors the summer.
I’m thinking I need a better facial treatment.
internet is down due to front yard destruction by the HOA.
So I write.
stomach flu to kick off the year
How do you know if you have had food poisoning or the stomach flu? when your partner also gets it a two days later.
I cant begin to describe the yuckiness of this, but i can say I’ve never thrown up so much in my life over a 12 hour period. o – m – g. apparently its flowing around the nation for me to have found an article on it today.
All i care about now is how to stop the dizzies and the nausea. i must have lost at least a few pounds over this ordeal.
Remedies? tried some, didn’t work. need to try others- maybe today is “making applesauce” day (from web):
“The BRAT diet — bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast — should be your go-to when it comes to an uneasy stomach. It consists of foods that are easy to digest, contain a lot of carbohydrates to give you energy, and replenish nutrients lost through vomiting and diarrhea.
- Bananas: Bananas are easy to digest and can replace the potassium you lose from vomiting and diarrhea.
- Rice: Brown rice has too much fiber, but white rice is easier on the stomach and provides energy from carbs.
- Applesauce: Applesauce can provide an energy boost due to the carbs and sugars, and also contains pectin, which can help with diarrhea.
- Toast: Avoid whole-wheat bread, as fiber can be difficult on the digestive system. White bread is processed and easier to digest.”
Here comes your fan
You never wait so long, here comes your fan.
Why because it’s goddamn hot.
From the last day of the year, for the first day of next year
because this deserves its own post for 2017.
Write a new blog she said, it will help she said…
How on earth did I think I’d be able to write here often enough with a 6 week Bebe who eats every 3 hours, with a silly puppy that needs walking and loving attention, an elderly cat that poops everywhere and constantly yells for wet food, and well…everything else.
I’m exhausted. The most exhausted I’ve ever been in my life; pregnancy was exhausting but nothing compared to this. And who cares? No one, it’s my new duty.
Birth and motherhood- more like the act of taking care of a little being- makes me feel like a completely different person. Not only do I have to adjust to new demands, there are whole new routines (frequency of feeding! omg) while making sure I’m flexible (want to not sleep at 2 am? Ok!), hyperaware, and meeting everyone’s needs.
I’ve wondered how much of my stress and constant uneasy feeling is “normal new baby stress”. I have no reference and not a soul that can help me think through that. Being that I am a licensed mental health counselor, naturally I’m a little more aware of the mental health stuff and I’m wondering if I may have postpartum depression or more on the side of anxiety. I’ve never been a person that’s second guessed herself as much as I have now and had been for a few months end of pregnancy. I’ve always been very strong, resilient, confident in my day to day but not now. I find that I am feeling so much inadequacy, insecurity, instability- it’s so overwhelming.
My husband notices too, he knows I’ve been so indecisive and slow to get going unlike before. It takes a toll on both of us. And I feel guilty about that. Oh the guilt.
A few things I’ve really struggled with-
- My plans for exclusive Breastfeeding- and it is not working. I’ve had to give in and can only bfeed 2-3 times a day with pumping the rest. A lot of guilty feelings and stress over something that always sounds so natural and is not. I’ve stopped reading stupid forums and “breast is best” sites. I can’t believe what little info there is out there.
- Work- I can’t even think of going back to work and I need to in about 2 weeks; they’ve let me work from home so I am so grateful but feel i don’t even know how to be that “director” anymore. But it’s my career and all I’ve worked so hard to do and focused on for 15 years. It’s just not that important right now. Also the pressure as the sole “breadwinner” is tough.
- Trauma over birth and the cost. Not only were so many procedures unnecessary but they were expensive andthst didn’t even cross my mind when we’re were in the moment to decide on things. Healthcare sucks and my obgyn sucked. When you get bills that total over $50k pre-insurance ($11k for my share) it’s like a cannonball falls in your stomach. That amount is real- I am not kidding.
Is it hormones, maybe. Is it natural stress? Not sure. Is it trauma from my two inductions and csection? Perhaps. (And this is a post for another time)
For now, I am reading a lot on http://www.postpartumprogress.com and it’s helped slightly, at least to help rationalize some stress.
Meet my fuzzies: Moco, 6 y/o pitbull mix, and Axl, 15 y/o tubby tabby:
Of Feedings and schedules
One of the very important things I should have read and researched during pregnancy was feeding. How did I miss that topic? I didn’t even think about it! “Feed, what? Are you kidding me?”
I assumed breastfeeding would be simple, a no brainier- “I can finally put my giant boobs to good use!” Well I was wrong. It’s hard as hell, and how can something so primitive be so difficult? I had to quickly research and learn (the new lingo, the theories, the controversy, the crazy drama mama forums) while try to figure out why baby was struggling so much. At first it was not too bad although I did have issues the first week and got sore/bleeding in one. Then it seemed to work (maybe bc she was sleepy all the time) but I was never sure how much she was eating bc she was always hungry and crying. And don’t mention the latching problems, crying at breast, engorgement, overflow issues…
On top of that, having a hard time emotionally and physically from crazy hormones and not sleeping due to feeding every 2 hrs, I started pumping to give her a bottle at night (my husbands insomnia helped). So I was able to sleep at least 4-5 hrs. But didn’t you know that if you go for too long (esp overnight) without feeding/pumping you can get your period early? Yea WTF!! Here’s her crazy feeding schedule, that maybe now at 5.5 weeks may become more steady, I hope:
It’s a nightmare that people need more education about.
It should be mandatory to get a feeding 101 during pregnancy for first time moms. I had no guidance from experienced family or friends, just tips or a “you’ll figure it out” here and there.
Anyway I’m still trying to balance bottles, breastfeeding, sleep and timing. So many unintended consequences to all the choices it almost doesn’t matter what is decided. Hey I wasn’t breastfed and I’m ok, right?
Well I’m going to continue to pump and breastfeed as much as I can handle it, but it is tough, time consuming, and emotionally draining.
#bowie
logarhythms 